Sunday, February 28, 2021

Wanted: Wine Tastemakers – Older White Men Need Not Apply?

Feb. 29, 2040

Dear Salem Morgon,

Thank you for your inquiry regarding the position we posted. We are currently screening the next level candidate for our wine tastemaker stint and you have made the cut. Congratulations!

As you know, we are currently recruiting candidates to form a dynamic new team for ViniVer§Ω as THE preeminent and never-before-seen #WineInfluencer Neoteric Eno-zine. The next step for us, with you, is to further ascertain if you will be a good fit, on our soon-to-be award-winning squad!

So, let’s get down to it, por qué no?

First of all, you’ve noted that you have been a wine blogger. We’d really like some more intel on your activities in the blogosphere (to dogecoin an early 21st century phrase). What did you do on your blog? Who came to it? How many comments did you get? Likes? Please give us as much data as possible, as we are trying to understand the blog world and how it corresponds to building one’s influence?

You also indicated that you had, at one time, written about wine for newspaper and magazine publications. When, exactly was this time period? Was it before the Great Data Purge of 2030 (#GDP30)? We are screening applicants for their contributions to contempo culture and would like to know a little more about where, and more importantly when you did this. It’s important that you also have current bona fides, as we are living in accelerated times and it is vital for all our associates to maintain contemporaneous and high standards. “No room for crypto-brickers,” our COO contends.

Our Mi§ion statement for this undertaking is to be fully relevant in the present and the future. The past, being what it is (no longer), is weighted to accomplishments in the present and the promise that impatiently awaits our influencers in the future. We are running into the 22nd century. I should be a bit more nano-apropos and say, really, that we are moving at the speed of yoctoseconds, and therefore our squad members must be nimble in their movements, in a thoughtful way. We want you – let me emphasizewe need you to stay up with us.

Your CV states you have written a book about wine. Is this “book” still virtually available and if so, how many pictures does it have? Any VID-correlation? And of course, how many times has it been liked and linked? What are the review scores for this effort? Please send us a link or load it up on our cloud server so we may review and approve/reject for our curated consideration.

Regarding VID’s and HOLO’s, we see you have not uploaded very many, save for a brief bio, which appears to have been DIGI’d from another format? Could you please tell us how that came to be and what platform the data originally came through? Was this also something made before #GDP30? We have much love for retro-respect, we are merely trying to understand where (and when?) you are coming from.

It seems you have boundless experience in the world of wine and wine writing, which we find quaint yet unconventional. We’d like to know more about your journey so that we can make sure this will be a good fit with our base/target audience. We want to stretch their horizons, but we also need to be sensitive to the curvature of their understanding. We hope you appreciate; this is nothing personal.

As well, we have not yet received your DNAnalysis from U.S.D.O.D.N.A. It’s important that all of our applicants and soon-to-be collaborators meld well with the other team members, as well as being a more realistic reflection of the beings who will be ultimately attracted to our Eno-zine! Please plink U.S.D.O.D.N.A. support services to make sure we get that data as soon a possible, please? Thank you!

Our approach is very, very simple—it’s about embracing everyone! From building a culture where all employees can bring their best selves to work, to deploying initiatives that support everyone, we’re doing what it takes to build an all-inclusive world for all.

We’d love to take this conversation to the next level. We’re ready when you, and your requested data, are ready and uploaded. Please be expeditious; there are many applicants clamoring to be part of this genre-shattering concept and we wouldn’t want you (or any of us) to grow any grey hairs because of unnecessary dilatory delays. This new world waits for no one!

We count on your reply, impatiently and passionately,


Tayeler Adrastea, CPO

Chief People Officer



#WineInfluencer Neoteric Eno-zine

wine blog +  Italian wine blog + Italy W


Tom Maresca said...

Ah, Alfonso, you have nailed it. Oh brave new world, indeed, that has such creatures in it. As one dinosaur to another, Bravo!

Mitchell Pressman said...

"Tastemaker" - what a concept. Coming from the pre-blog age, this piece caused me to reflect on how much has changed regarding communicating about wine. My start in the wine business coincided with the first issues of both Wine Spectator and Wine Advocate. Before those publications, wine writing was done by actual writers (I believe even Frank Prial was a trained journalist who alson wrote about wine.) who had came to the subject of wine after years of experience with the subject. That blogs are becoming quaint within a decade or so of their conception is chilling. Having run across your posts in just the past year, I hope you continue writing them.

Alfonso Cevola said...

Thanks Tom and Mitchell. As Yogi Berra once wisely said, "The future ain't what it used to be."

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