Wednesday, September 18, 2019

The Scandal that has Shaken the Universe of the Masters of Ŝophisticated Ҫannabis

Dateline: April 20, 2049
It’s been nearly a year since 420 anxious Cannabis Sommeliers amassed at the Hotel Zig-Zag in Portland, Oregon. The purpose? To accept a challenge to pass the most rigorous testing to become one of a handful (now standing at 1937) of Masters of Ŝophisticated Ҫannabis (MŜҪ) in the world – fewer than have traveled to Mars.

The multi-part test included a natur' section, in which the candidate must determine the quality of the herb, and how to determine a better species or type of product versus a lower or inferior type. The second test determines proficiency in rolling, decanting tinctures and setting up pipettes/hookahs for the guests. The third and hardest part of the test involves identifying the various aromas, or “Interpening,” whereby one can identify the strain and the quality, as well as the level of psychotropic strength, and overall quality level (on a scale of 1-10). This is where most of the candidates stumble.

Amazingly, all 420 candidates passed, an unprecedented success for the governing body, the Cloister of Ҫannabis Connoisseurs(CҪC). Cloister Chairperson, Brownie Harrelson, stated at the celebratory fête, “This has been a watershed moment in our history. There’s no going back now!”

Two days later a leaked comm-wave revealed that a ci-devant Master of Ŝophisticated Ҫannabis (MŜҪ) had 'virtual neural-coached’ several of the candidates who passed. This caused concern in the upper echelons of the (CҪC) organization, who submitted this brief statement:

“We have hired the auditing firm of Stuckey, Frost and Wilson to conduct a thorough and exhaustive investigation, and to determine any improprieties that may have occurred, consciously or otherwise. We are dealing with neural pathways, and the technology to map the routes are often convoluted and shielded by normal procedures. We at the CҪC have given Ms. Stuckey, Ms. Frost and Ms. Wilson full access to our organization and communication channels and we are confident this trio of talented investigators will arrive to an objective and fair conclusion.”

The Cortico-Ꞛog world has had mixed reviews.

Josey Roberts, of ‘One-Weed? - Dude!’ had this to say:
“I think it’s high time the Cloister got to the bottom of this scandal. Good on Brownie for finally calling in the super trio of women who will clean this mess up, hopefully. For too long, the CҪC has been run like a Chicken Ranch in Marfa.”

Stephanie HeimhǢΦ an AI-cortico-Ꞛogger from Alameda, chimed in from her perch, the notoriously cynical site, ‘The Homecoming.’ Her brief comments below:
“Well, she’s done it again: embarrassed America abroad. Her (Arabella Trump’s) performance at the G2 was, in a word, horrible. It’s obvious the European leader loathe her and all she stands for. The reports have suggested that the leader didn’t want to directly bash her (even though personally they want to), so they put discretion before valor and were basically nice to her.”
[Ed. Note: We tried to determine if Stephanie was responding to our story or if she was stuck in an endless loop against the Trump dynasty. She was, however, too high to give us a proper reply.]

Geffreda Siegal, the billionairess behind “The Weed Curmudgeon,” noted:
“Maybe this will finally lay bare the discrepancies between the world of everyday weed and the trend toward ultra -premiumization, as witnessed by the explosive growth of Masters of Ŝophisticated Ҫannabis. The outerworlds need and deserve a good under-$10 joint!”

Sidney Yarrow, granddaughter of Alder who bequeathed Vinography to her in his will (along with his collection of Nabokov’s butterflies), on her crypto-newsletter, ‘Weedography,’ dropped this yoctogram:
“Seeing as we got rid of most of the men by 2036, we have no one to blame but ourselves. The quantum-push by the Cloister (CҪC) to turn as many budtenders into Masters of Ŝophisticated Ҫannabis (MŜҪ) in the shortest of timelines was bound to have a reaction. It was like trying to fit a quadrillion bag of bones into a virtual canister designed for a billion. Critical mass – boom – game over!”

Meanwhile, the investigation is pending. The independent weed news site, FourTwenty Daily has also launched an independent inquiry, headed up by the most renowned hempistolarian, Bianca Asimobley. We shall wait and see.

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