“Wine was the quintessential Boomer, having risen up in a time which we will look back at as the golden age of wine,” remarked one longstanding wine lover, who was seen wiping a tear from his eye, among the crowd that formed upon hearing of wine’s demise.
Notes have been pouring in from all over the world, mourning the loss of such a beloved icon.
“I always thought it would be a nuclear bomb or a terrorist attack that would get me, at the very least a gunshot or a car accident. I never imagined wine could kill me.” a bereaved follower noted.
“Wine had a good run. I always thought it would be around long past me,” a local wine merchant said, “as it has been around for ages. But this current iteration must have been just too much. After 79 years of pushing, of improving, of refining, of becoming a force in the world, only to be toppled by a report that even casual enjoyment of the beloved beverage can cause cancer. I thought I heard everything. I never would have believed in my wildest imaginings, that wine turned out to not only be toxic and poisonous, but that it would end itself in a time in which we need wine now more than ever. Wine, we hardly knew you!”
Father Giacometti, of Holy Trinity Church, lamented, “How could it be that wine, which is transformed into the blood of our Savior Jesus Christ, can have even the slightest affiliation with death and suffering. It’s unimaginable and will change the liturgy going forward in ways in which we cannot begin to understand.”
Other reactions from around the world:
Cannabis ( Marijuana) left this jarring apothegm:
“First, they came for beer, and I did not speak out—because I was not beer.
Then they came for spirits, and I did not speak out—because I was spirits.
Then they came for wine, and I did not speak out—because I was not wine.
I guess then they might be coming for me now.”
The hydration and mocktail camps are singing a different tune. One water “sommelier” had this to say:
“We were just waiting for this perfect storm to appear on our horizon. Water is life and we’re gonna be running at full pace with this marathon. And while I’m sorry for my wine-somm buds, that’s the breaks. I’m jazzed!”
A mocktail-mixologist was equally jubilant:
“Oh, yeah, baby! We in the post-alc world have been waiting for this moment and we’re going full steam into the future. Wine? That was then. This is now!”
Deep in the bowels of Indonesia, the worlds most infamous wine counterfeiter is over the moon:
“Do you know how easy it is to fake a bottle of Topo Chico or San Pellegrino? Man, it’s like I’ve gotten a new lease of life, and nobody can stop me. It’s only water, chumps! Come get me and try and jail me again.”
Wine trade professionals are not pleased, to say the least. Initial estimates are that up to 70% of the work force of major liquor and wine wholesalers will be cut, due both to the deleterious effects of the Surgeon General report and AI automation just hitting the warehouses.
Collectors will have nowhere to peddle their investments. Auction houses and grey markets are drying up, and young people, more desirous of saving up for a first-time home or daunted by a 72-month note on a plain vanilla SUV, just don’t see wine in their future, poisonous or not. As one Zoomer put it, “It’s a good thing wine went and pegged out. It’s been hanging on for too damn long anyway, time to make room for kombucha and smoothies. The king is dead – good riddance.”
One huge concern among the upwardly-and-mobile crowd
is the loss of opportunity for conviviality that wine brought to the table.
With more and more people isolating and “going solo” this is being seen as one
more nail in the coffin for collective humanity and fellowship.
The billionaire class is not rattled. They are convinced that science will offer them the opportunity to have their cake and eat it regarding wine, pot and any other potentially harmful substance. With genetic modification and simpler processes like blood purification administered at regular intervals, high net-worth individuals and their families will be able to maintain an exuberant lifestyle, sidestepping sanctions by high government officials. As one individual near the top of the wealth ladder quipped on X, “What’ll it matter anyway, we’ll have Bobby Kennedy Jr. on our side and he’ll just straighten everyone and everything out fine. Wine? Shmine!”
